When you go to pick out a bourbon, you could do so based on tasting notes like “hints of leather and tater dust” but where exactly is the fun in that? The real question of the day is, “which bourbon fits the chaotic, charming, occasionally questionable human being that you are?” So, pour a glass, embrace your true self, and let’s find your liquid soulmate.
You don’t just do things, you optimize them, you probably have a five-year plan… color-coded… and it’s probably even laminated. You enjoy the hype of this being your daily drinker and are obsessed with the collectible horse toppers, often bragging about how many full sets you have. You’re likely a member of a BLANTONS group where every single week you post up the same ISO looking for bottles with dump dates that correspond to every significant event that’s ever occurred in your life. You don’t half-ass anything, you full-ass it, every time.
With more variety than you can shake a stick at, and enough bottles codes to make you dizzy, no two bottles are the same – much like yourself, because life is too short for consistency. You don’t just drink bourbon – you experience it. The right glassware? No. Rules? No. Tasting Notes? Please. You ignore all that just like the 21,233 unread emails your phone suggests you have. At the end of the day, tradition is just someone else’s idea of fun, and you’d rather make your own.
Your approach to bourbon is best summed up as deliberate precision. You don't just pour - you measure. You don't just sip - you evaluate. While others are staring haplessly at store shelves trying to decide what's next, you've already planned your next five purchases. You enjoy a bourbon that embodies practicality and attention to detail; a bourbon which is well-balanced, yields a consistent flavor profile and is crafted with precision and care. Let’s be honest – when it comes to bourbon, just like life, you believe in controlled variables and measurable outcomes and you calculated your decision to drink this weeks ago, after an exhaustive analysis of mash bills, aging techniques, and economic indicators that prove this is the most optimal bourbon for your particular palate. The real question is would you like your bourbon served neat or with a well laid out PowerPoint?
You read nonfiction for fun and once described a sunset as “a fascinating interplay of chiaroscuro.” Your approach to bourbon is best defined as “rigorous analysis.” You’ve done your homework on the Michter’s brand systematically and are familiar with every historically noteworthy detail imaginable. You’ve essentially worked up a thoroughly cited dissertation of sorts on the brand, with each sip an academic investigation into the complex layers of flavor. More sawdusty than oaky? Thought-provoking. Hint of vanilla? Worthy of discourse. You don’t merely catalogue the flavors you encounter, you sit back in your leather chair and debate them, probably stroking an imaginary beard, all whilst deep in contemplation of life’s greatest mysteries.
Subtlety is not a gift you were blessed with unfortunately; you never just enter a room – you make an entrance. Much like yourself, Elijah Craig Barrel Proof is unapologetically bold, full-bodied and let’s be honest has more punch than your unsolicited life advice at family gatherings. You scoff at the idea of moderation and are more oft than not the one who’s doing a bottle pull yelling “that’ll wake you up in the morning!”…President Truman used to have a breakfast snort, so what’s wrong with titling it towards the sky at 8am anyways? If it’s not punching you straight in the face then it’s just not worth your time. You’re the barrel proof version of yourself: no filters, full throttle, ready to turn the volume up to 11 at any given moment of the day.
Let’s face it, if you open up your cupboards there is probably at least one mug that has a cutesy saying like “live, laugh, love” on it. You parse out compliments like they are going out of business and remember the most random things like Suzie’s dog’s birthday or the first time you saw a shooting star. Everyone knows a text from you without seeing your name as you are naturally inclined to use an abundance of emojis. Innately, you gravitate towards a bourbon such as Maker’s Mark as it’s approachable, much like yourself. You never drink it alone because that’s not your style, and you’re always the person saying, “Oh my gosh, you HAVE to try this.”
Drinking bourbon isn’t just about drinking bourbon for you, it’s about honoring tradition. You are in many ways a creature of yesteryear trapped in a modern world. You revel in taking the time to write a handwritten letter to an old friend and feel like music peaked decades ago and has been on a slow decline ever since – which is why you love your vinyl record player. You can hold a conversation, and a meaningful one at that without ever once even checking your phone. You my friend are the human embodiment of the adage “they don’t make ‘em like they used to.”
While others are busy being serious, you’re reaching for the Chicken Cock, mostly because it made you laugh. You’re the type of person who’s always collecting random factoids, a type of mental currency you’re constantly accruing with a tradeable value of $0. For you Chicken Cock isn’t just a bourbon, it’s a conversation piece, an awkward joke perhaps, but mostly a steppingstone down the rabbit hole of random. While your guests are nosing their bourbon, you’re the one who announces, “you do know of course, bourbon once was prescribed as a medication” the prelude to a lengthy oration on prohibition era drinking habits. Unconventional, unexpected and delightfully weird you are an acquired taste…you and your mismatched socks…but once folks get you, they really get you.
Savoring your bourbon from the well-worn spot on the couch where you clearly spend most of your free time, your focus is on the simple things in life. You don’t revel in the latest greatest releases or store picks, no experimental finish for you, oh no. You appreciate your bourbon much the way you appreciate quiet evenings, soft lighting, and the super deep emotional significance of a perfectly seasoned cast-iron skillet. You have strong feelings about throw blankets, and equally strong feelings about what a bourbon should and should not be. For you, a bottle of Russell’s Reserve feels safe, warm, and exactly how you like it.
Personality is like a small batch bourbon: it's all about the blend.
Sweet, spicy, bold, weird — it’s what makes you you (and what makes whatever bourbon pairs with you worth drinking).
Now go sip something that matches your vibe — or don’t. You do you.
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